That Essential Guide to Fell Running

that trail run with extra suffering, disguised as a quaint British pastime

In a nutshell:

• There may be few actual paths.
• There will be ups and downs.
• It’ll probably be wet.
• Everyone will be wearing skimpy shorts.
• Even the best fell runners fall over.
• 5 miles will feel like 20.
• You’ll probably have either a cup of tea, pint of beer, piece of cake or a pie if you finish.
• It’ll be worth it.

Fell Running: A Survival Guide

If you’ve ever thought, “I’d love a sport that combines stunning landscapes with the constant risk of face-planting,” this is for you.

1. Navigation is Optional (But Also Crucial)

Maps? Compasses? Knowing where you are? Technically important, but let’s be honest you’ll follow someone who looks confident, realize they’re lost, and end up in a bog.

2. Descent: A Graceful Death-Wish

The art of fell running downhill is simple: abandon all dignity, throw your legs forward like a malfunctioning gazelle, and pray your ankles don’t evaporate on impact. The best runners treat gravity as a suggestion.

3. You Will Be Overtaken by a 75-Year-Old Local

You trained. You trained. You trained. And yet, here comes Keith, the retired welder casually floating past you, offering words of encouragement while you contemplate your life choices.

4. Weather? A Cosmic Joke

Sunshine? Sideways rain? Sometimes both at once. The forecast says “clear skies,” but five minutes later, you’re sliding arse-first down a river of sheep shit.

5. The False Summit

You see the top, rejoice, but no, wait. That was an optical illusion. The real summit is, of course, another 300 vertical feet, hidden behind a wall of suffering. Welcome to fell running, where hope dies on ridgelines.

6. Food Is Fuel, Fashion Is Fiction

Forget sleek running gels, fells demand real food. Mid-race, someone will pull out a pork pie or a squished malt loaf, and this is considered normal. Meanwhile, your fancy running gear is mocked by Keith’s ball-sack riding lower than the hem of his shiny short-shorts.

7. If You’re Not Questioning Your Life Choices, You’re Doing It Wrong

Despite the mud, the misery, and the occasional near-death experience, there’s nothing quite like it. Because at the end of the day, fell running is about adventure, resilience, and having stories that make road runners look like pussies.